in the pursuit of distractions

ISOSCELES

© dcec 10.jan.09

Girl

It’s been five years since the last time I’ve seen you. Along with the promise to see each other a year after that parting in the bus station, but I realized perhaps the promise was only meant that very moment we spoke them, and when the bus moved towards its destination, the promise was left were it was made…and until now, the promise was still there. In the never-empty bus station, in the coming and going of buses and passenger and sadly…in my heart, buried deep within.

Sometimes, I dream about that day, but when I wake up with tears soaking in my pillow I try to remember what my dream was all about but I seldom recall it. Consciously, I’ve forgotten you, but in my subconscious state, that’s where you still live. I realized that you can’t really erase memories deliberately, but it doesn’t mean that you can’t distract yourself from thinking about certain memories. That’s what I became so good at. Distracting myself until I became so exhausted that my brain automatically shuts down whenever your name came up in my mind. In a way, numbing myself was a good thing because I became a better student and a better person in general.

I still believe in my heart that you have reasons for disappearing in my life, but your unknown reasons were not enough to keep me from feeling resentment, anger and confusion. I loved you with all my heart. Yes, we were both young that time, but what I felt was true. I let you hold the key to my heart yet you threw the key away and then you were gone. It was a struggle to piece my broken self into one, but my friends and family were all there to support me and cheer on me on my quest to be whole again. It was a painful process, but I came out as a better and stronger person. I really think you deserved applause for making me bleed like that. But as my mother always say, all is well that ends well. So, I hope to see you as a better person than you were five years ago and I hope to see you happier than you were five years ago. I really hope so.

Truly I had no idea what happened to you. One day, we were there and one minute there was only me left groping in the dark. It was difficult finding the light, partly because I refuse to see the light. Because I promised, we promised. To be together even in thoughts, to be together after a year, to be together in eternity. I really believed you. I believed that you did loved me, but perhaps, when you went away, your thoughts about me wasn’t enough to keep your heart beating. Nobody knew why you disappeared, even your best friend, it’s as if you don’t want to be found at all. Did I look for you? I did. In my heart, I kept you alive. After a year, I searched for your address and found a ruined and empty house. Where did you go? As I said, nobody knew, what choice do I have?

At first, I refuse to believe that you left me in the dust. I kept everyone out in my little circle and waited for you to reappear. I went to a university of my choice, studied well and joined clubs, but all of that were fronts to my depressed and hurt self. I thought no one would notice my self-imposed misery, but I was wrong. Someone was hurting with me and I didn’t know. Someone was holding my hand and I didn’t notice. Someone wiped my tears for me. Do you know why I didn’t acknowledge that person who was with me all these times? Because it wasn’t you. It wasn’t you who was hurting with me, it wasn’t you who was holding my hand and it wasn’t you who wiped my tears. And I wanted it to be you, but where were you? Nowhere.

I admired that person who was with me in those down moments because he never left me; he listened in silence and waited for me patiently to snap out of my misery. In a way, I realized I made him miserable too, but he never complained. He was there, steadfast and consistent. In his own way. In his love for me.

Funny how you said you loved me. How you promised to be one with me, in thoughts and hearts. Were all those lies? I have so many unanswered questions and perhaps they will remain unanswered unless I see you again. But what will those answers serve for? It’s almost useless. Because you ceased to be a memory.

Boy 1

I loved as you loved her. But she loved you. She chose to love a complicated person like you. But you were my friend weren’t you? Exactly what happened to you, we do not know. It’s been five long years since the last time I saw you. You were full of hopes then. But where did your hopes go? Did they go with you when you decided to disappear? I don’t know. All I have are these questions. Do I even get the chance to ask them? I think you understand that if you go, she will be mine, but you won’t get mad right? She waited for you. She really did. But where were you?

Boy 2

I loved her more than anyone else in the world. She was my world. She was my life. She was my everything. Take her away and you killed me. But those were merely figures of speech. She was only a part of my world, a part of my life and a part of my everything. Take her away and I fall down but still moving forward.

I never wanted to leave her, I never meant for the promise to be broken, I never meant everything to happen. Nobody meant for us to suffer. But we did anyway. We were all broken and emptied. And I desperately wanted to go back. Back to we were before. Under the moon and the stars. Under the blue skies and white clouds free to dream anything we wanted to. I wanted to hold her hand tightly against mine, envelop her in my arms and kiss her softly. I wanted to be there when she received her acceptance letter in college but most importantly I wanted to be there with her. Just be with her forever.  I wanted her to take me back. But I can’t. I hurt her beyond repair. What right do I have to have those thoughts?

I was never a simple guy to begin with. I have emotional baggage that’s difficult to handle, but she tried her best, I know. She tried everything to make me happy and she did. I was the happiest when I was with her. She made me forget the complications surrounded within me. She’s become an insider in my circle, I gave her that much and in my circle, there were just us. Forever, together.

It was naïve, I know. But sometimes, the world conspires when you have that one wish, and I believed that. Because I wanted to. Was it an off-chance wish? Maybe. But it was never wrong to wish for that one thing you truly want.

I never realized that being with me will make her cry. I only think of myself, happy just being with her. But I was wrong, falling in love with me was not right, because I was never the right person for her. More than anything, I want her to be happy. To find true love. To forget me because I deserved to be forgotten.

Girl

My wait was over. Someone was there with me and I decided it’s time to move forward. I want to be happy so I committed myself in forgetting you. It will take a while and he knows that but we were both willing to take one step up and finally be one.

And I will always be glad for taking the plunge. He wasn’t you but he was special in his own way. I like how he holds my hand whenever exam results were posted. His hand seemed so secure and dependable. I like how he ties my scarf around my neck when cold winter winds blow. I like how he looks at me as if I was his most prized possession. I think I’m falling in love with him. Slowly and steadfastly, we tried to write our very own love story. To make your love for me pale in comparison to his love for me. I think that was the only way to let you go.

He was there in my ups and downs and we’ve been together for quite a while now, well, three years to be exact and I’d say, I’ve never felt happier. My life was all set. But why do you have to appear now?

Boy 1

I never thought that she would completely be mine but she was. She became mine. I know she loved me. I know each day that I look into those black orbs that you were far from her memory and that her heart beats my name. I am certain that her feelings for me will not waver. Our life was set. But what are you doing there standing in her front door?

Boy 2

It had been five long years. She had been crying the last time I remember her to be. Calling out my name. I almost regretted my decision to go, but I thought she understood that there were things that I have to do. I know she understood me because nobody knew me so well like she does. She’d know exactly if I was happy or angry and she won’t ask why because we don’t need words to understand each other. So, I thought she’d understand. I know she will be hurt with my decisions but I was always hoping that she will still understand. I guess five years is a long time for me to have that blind hope. It is enough for her to hate me or forget me, enough for her to move on and enough for her to be blissfully happy. All those were the things I wanted for her and it happened. But why am I here, right now, in front of her?

Girl

I wanted to ask you questions but I can’t remember them. You already faded in my reality and you only appeared in my dreams, dreams that I barely remember. I look at you and see the person you were before. Handsome and smart. I almost got nostalgic. I wanted to say something but nothing came out of my mouth. How do I react? I don’t know. I just kept on staring at your face unable to say anything. What do you say to an ex-boyfriend who disappeared five years ago?

Boy 1

I watched as her face contorts into different emotions, but it settled into confusion. Do I need to intervene or let her be?

Boy 2

I told her I want us to talk and she just stared at me, as if absorbing my presence in reality. To say that I don’t know why I am here in front of her is a lie. The truth was I know all about her, from the moment of the promise until now. I know she cried my name, I know how much pain she endured in loving me and I know she waited for me to appear again. To fulfill the promise. I think it’s time to settle things and wipe the slate clean, for me and for her. I was unfair and I know it, that’s why I’m here, to close the book as it should have been so that nobody was hurt…except me. But I will continue, silently because I’m fit to suffer.

Girl

I stood dumbfounded. I think I need my boyfriend or I’ll collapse.

Boy 1

I think I just saw her face turned pale and that was my cue to intervene.

Boy 2

She became paler and I felt she was going to faint but she didn’t. In a flash, there was my former best friend in the flesh comforting my ex-girlfriend. I’ve known all these times that she will end up with him, but seeing it in front of me still hurts. He was playing the part I carved out for myself and one by one, the memories flashed. Us, walking, holding hands and laughing. Us, just us. No one but the two of us doing things we could ever think of. I saw the life I used to lead. I saw the life I wished I still had. But what use those wishes were for?

Girl

In the end we all got to talk. It was difficult to pry the healed wounds open but perhaps it was necessary for him. I saw the desperation in his eyes, for me to understand and to forgive him. Maybe if he told me what happened in his life when he left in our little town I would have understood him better. In truth, I already forgave him because I have forgotten all about him. Five years isn’t that long of a time, but I was motivated to erase him in my memories, the pain was motivation enough. It was all thanks to him that I am the person that I am now. I feel sorry for him but I know he will be alright. We both know that we were really never meant to be together for eternity (as he put it) but only to teach each other valuable lessons. Because of him I learned what love is all about, I learned how to be hurt and how to mend. And I learned to be happy on my own. As we part ways again I pray that he will find happiness. If we bumped into each other again, perhaps I will treat him as an old acquaintance. The future is uncertain, but right now, I’m happy to be just where I am.

Boy 1

Maybe he really needed the closure. I felt guilty too because I wasn’t there when he needed a friend. But I realized he chose to close himself to the world and wallow in his own misery. I do not intend to blame him; everything was over and done with. Did we remain friends? Certainly. Once a friend, always a friend. I may not understand how his twisted mind works but I did try hard to be there for him. I know in his heart he doesn’t mean any of this to happen. I looked into his eyes and see regret. I also see love. I realized he still loved her, but what they had already ended a long time ago and I’m not going to give up just because he’s here again. What’s the guarantee that he won’t disappear again? I hope he finds peace with himself. One day, surely, when we see each other on the street, it would definitely be a lot better than this meeting. I hope he will be healed.

Boy 2

I never regretted any decisions I made, but somehow, letting her go proved me wrong. I still loved her. With all my heart. I see her in every girl I went out with. I see her in blue skies. I see her in the moon and stars. I still see her in me. Everyday.

Did I say I forgot about her? I lied. I will never forget her. Ever. My one great love.

Goodbye.